Parody post by the Hawthorne Hawkman. Photos by Connie Nompelis/Ranty.
The nefarious Dumpinator 3000, the hated nemesis of the Hawthorne Hawkman, was thought to have been defeated. As it happens, this evil arch-enemy was merely lying dormant, waiting for the perfect moment to strike! And what could be more dastardly, more low-down, more dirty, and more underhanded than to launch a surprise attack during the chill of winter?! Be warned, fellow Hawthornites, the Dumpinator will stop at nothing to leave everything on your stoop.
The attack came out of nowhere, but arrived at 2922 Aldrich Ave N...
A modified version of the Dumpinator 3000 had bombed this vacant property, not with phone books, but with the dreaded New York Times! If you get bashed in the head with this bastion of headiness, you'll be off-balance and leaning to the left for years to come. And to make matters worse, the Dumpinator used the dreaded Sunday Edition! DOES THIS EVIL KNOW NO BOUNDS???
Clearly not, for just as the Hawkman began the work of restoring the beloved home to its former grandeur, the sinister Dumpinator struck once again! A direct blow of 48 days worth of New York Times hit the Hawkman all at once! Mere mortals would have been instantly crushed by such a blow.
Although incapacitated, the Hawkman is no mere mortal. When evil is afoot, and you can't move your arms, you've gotta use your head. And when evil is ahead and you're behind, you've gotta do the legwork. But when you can't get a leg up, you gotta be hip. You gotta keep your chin up, and kick some--hey, look an article on mortgages!
Rejuvenated by an op-ed piece about the ineffectiveness of the Making Homes Affordable loan modification program, the Hawkman rose to his feet faster than the rise of housing values during the mortgage boom! But this bubble would not burst and the only boom was directed at the Dumpinator. Onlookers didn't even have the chance to call 911. There would be no justice of the peace for the Dumpinator 3000...only one BIG PIECE OF JUSTICE!
But wait, what's this?
Intrepid photographer Connie Nompelis snapped this photo after the dust of the epic battle had settled. It appears the Dumpinator 3000 may not be vanquished just yet...
I swear, if R.T. Rybak becomes governor this is the first issue I'm going to lobby him upon! WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT ALL THIS DUMPING OF DEAD TREE PULP ON THE DOORSTEPS OF VACANT HOUSES!
ReplyDeleteLOL, awesome.
ReplyDeletereally Johnny Northside? This is the first issue you would lobby about? What about the L3SOs? Them first, then the phone books.
ReplyDeleteOr better yet, if each L3SO grabbed a phone book from a vacant house on their way OUT of our neighborhood, we could be rid of both.
By the time of the election, I won't NEED to lobby Rybak about the Level Three sex offenders. This concentration in my neighborhood is contrary to a reasonable interpretation of the statute which says "concentration" should be avoided. By the time of the election, I firmly believe we'll have a handle on this problem and the numbers will start to go down...
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I will keep publishing the addresses. Jeff disagrees. He is an intelligent and independent thinker, and that's his right.
talk about confounding expectations! The NYTimes on an abandonned porch Northside! a buck a piece and 5 for the sunday version! treasure with an expiration date.
ReplyDelete