What Should Johnny's Next Blogging Obsession Be? Some Suggest The "Vacant Twins" At 3954, 3950 Bryant Ave. N.

Photos, blog post by John Hoff

After I announced my "What Should Johnny's Next Blogging Obsession Be? Contest," suggestions began coming my way by email, in person, on Facebook, and via anonymous comments submitted to this blog.

Wow, there's a LOT of candidates! I say that's a sign of a healthy blog democracy.

One resident who lives uncomfortably near 3950 and 3954 Bryant Ave. N. has dubbed these side-by-side boarded up houses the "The Vacant Twins" in apparent homage to slumlord Keith Reitman's recently demolished "Blue Twins," the subject of my previous "blogging obsession."

The owners of TJ Waconia now sit in prison but their negative impact on our neighborhood ripples forever out into the universe. At least one of these two houses on Bryant Ave. N. were part of their empire of fraud. Currently...

Introducing New Penn Ave. N. Resident Jeff Skrenes To "The Hooker Steps" At 2755 Penn Ave. N.

Photo, blog post by John Hoff

Jeff Skrenes, whose numerous neighborhood titles will probably soon require a special blog post that I can link to and skip introductions each time he is mentioned herein, is a new homeowner on Penn Ave. N. Buying that home shows how Jeff Skrenes--who I normally think of as "King of the Geeks"-- has a bit of a gambler streak. But if anybody can turn that area around, it's the Hawthorne Hawkman; part nerd, part swashbuckler.

Naturally, when I visited his home for the first time I wanted to know what problems he was having with Penn Ave. N. hookers...

Phone Books Returned to Dex!

Post and photos by the Hawthorne Hawkman

About a week and a half ago, I picked up over twenty-five phone books from vacant properties in only part of the Hawthorne neighborhood. I'd been meaning to get rid of those right away and get back out there to fill the trunk up with more, but stuff happens. So I finally got around to dropping these off at Dex early this morning.

The sign at their Maple Grove headquarters is pictured above, as well as the location in the phone book. I liked the poetic irony of using their product for nothing else except the act of determining where to return dozens of unwanted phone books.

On my way to the building, I pondered whether I ought to act like a supremely PO'd bird of prey, or put on my happy face. So I walked into the third floor lobby and...

...decided to play nice. I used the tone of voice and overall demeanor that once convinced not one, not two, but THREE municipal employees to stay past 4:30 on a Friday to help me with some mortgage documents.

I introduced myself and said I lived and worked in the Hawthorne neighborhood in north Minneapolis, and that one Saturday I noticed quite a few phone books that were left at properties that were clearly abandoned. When I said I had somewhere around thirty of those phone books in my trunk and gosh, I'd sure like to return them, THAT got the receptionist's attention.

She went and got one of their marketers to help me unload the phone books from my trunk. This woman was incredibly grateful that I took the time to do this, and pleased that I was being so cordial. I said that at least the first time I spoke with them about this issue, I didn't want to just drive by and throw the phone books at their building. "We've had that happen," she said.

I explained to this woman that we see this a lot, and that Dex phone books have appeared on clearly vacant properties across NoMi over the past two weeks. These aren't just phone books that owners or occupants at the houses have neglected to pick up, these are ones that based on the BOARDS ON WINDOWS AND DOORS should never have been delivered in the first place.

The main areas where I'd seen them were between Plymouth Ave N and Lowry Ave N, which is what I'd told this woman when she said she would have a delivery person go back and pick them up. I graciously pointed out that at least the ones I was returning were still dry and usable, whereas the other phone books were probably pretty wet - not just from the rain, but let's just say that cats don't use phone books for the same things people do.

I was brought into the loading garage, and we unloaded my haul. Once again, I asked her if Dex would send someone out to pick the phone books up from vacant properties, and was told that they'd get their delivery people to look into it. I also suggested that perhaps the delivery people should get paid not just on straight-up units distributed, but by getting credit for a delivery when they mark a house as vacant.

And let's talk about numbers for a minute: In the area where I picked up 25 phone books (roughly half of Hawthorne), there were 35 properties registered as condemned or boarded and vacant. Some of these properties were duplexes and had two or more phone books left there, but still, it comes out to a phone book at over 70% of the vacant properties in NoMi. I've also got a dot map that marks each condemned/boarded property. Counting dots gets tiresome after a while though, so I'm going to estimate this as between 350 and 400, knowing that even the 400 number is probably an undercount.

Still, 70% of 400 comes out to an estimate of 280. But this round of Dex phone books contains three different ones in the same bag. So now we've got over 800 phone books left at vacant properties in NoMi by ONE COMPANY ALONE. How much waste is that?

In fairness, the Dex representative did say they would go back and try to pick them up. After a week or so, if you see a Dex phone book sitting at a vacant property in your neighborhood, call 763-971-7195 and let them know about it.

Dex DOESN'T Know - 25 Phone Books Found at Vacant Properties!

Post and Photos by the Hawthorne Hawkman

First, I was critically injured in a phone book mishap right at the steps of the Hawthorne office. After that, John did a post asking RT Rybak to make phone book littering a priority, and included a story about how I chased down some delivery people and actually threw the phone books BACK in their vehicle.

I recovered, and came back stronger than ever, and even emerged victorious against the Dumpinator 3000 yet again.

So when I woke up one morning to find a plastic bag of THREE DIFFERENT Dex phone books, my first thought was...

...I bet once again that vacant houses have these on their stoop too. Surprisingly, there were only twenty-five phone books at vacant properties, but the only part of the neighborhood that appeared to have received phone books was from Lyndale to 3rd and Broadway to Lowry.

Come on now, it's really not that hard to figure out which houses are vacant and clearly don't need phone books. A few examples:






I also stopped by two rather infamous vacant houses that had phone books at them. First up, 2222 4th St N, a house owned by Mahmood Khan. In an odd twist reminiscent of the numbers on my favorite show, "Lost," the 22nd phone book I picked up was at 2222 4th St N. I did NOT plan it that way either.

This was the property where the body of Annshalike Hamilton was found. The building was ordered to be demolished, Khan entered into a restoration agreement, failed to abide by its terms, and is now suing the city of Minneapolis in an attempt to stave off demolition. The buzz in the neighborhood is that he's subpoenaed so many of the city inspectors that scheduled house inspections and other duties are being interfered with. To Dex's credit, the property looks like it could be occupied.



This one, not so much. 409 31st Ave N was owned by Vicki Cox-Maxwell, wife of convicted mortgage fraud felon Larry Maxwell. Shortly before I started working as the Housing Director for Hawthorne, someone was killed on or near the steps of the place. It then went vacant, although various makeshift memorials were left there - often including the odd combination of teddy bears and liquor bottles.

Once vacant, it was a common target for squatters and prostitutes. I lost count of how many times I called it in to 311 as open to trespass. Then when the Feds started to investigate Maxwell, a lien was placed on the property to prevent him from selling assets - as if this house were an asset. THEN, Vicki went to California to declare bankruptcy, delaying the sale of this house even longer. Finally, with the help of Mark Ireland and the Housing Preservation Project, we were able to acquire this property for the purpose of demolition.



On other comment threads of JNS posts, people have suggested we have a phone book bonfire. That could be fun, but I'd really prefer gathering phone books from vacant houses and dropping them back off at the headquarters of Dex, Yellow Pages, etc. Dex will be getting a visit from me on Monday morning for just that. If anyone wants to come along and record video of what happens, contact me.

Another friend of mine suggested that we have a central drop-off location for phone books - either ones left at vacant houses or just unwanted in general. I love the idea, but I have no garage. Is there anyone out there who'd be willing to offer up their garage as storage space to do this?

Regardless, the bright side here is that we got to Dex before they hit much of the neighborhood. Let's make sure that they and other phone book companies hear us loud and clear: NO PHONE BOOK LITTERING IN NOMI!

Yellowbook Tries To Make Amends In Hawthorne Neighborhood For Unwanted Phone Book Dumping...

Down With Yellowbook

Stock Photo By John Hoff

I previously reported how Hawthorne's Housing Director Jeff Skrenes ("The Hawthorne Hawkman," pictured above) confronted some phone book dumpers from Yellowbook who were dumping evidence of wanton, wasteful tree murder on the steps of vacant houses. (Click here for that story)

Well, now Yellowbook is trying to make amends...

After talking to Jeff Skrenes on the phone, Yellowbook sent out a truck and picked up 121 phonebooks from vacant houses. In addition, they took note of 64 Dex phone books sitting at the vacant houses, but didn't pick them up. According to Skrenes, "They are not allowed to remove the Dex (phonebooks) but informed us they believe the same delivery people worked for Dex when they were dropped off and THEY NO LONGER WORK FOR YELLOWBOOK." (Caps not in original)

This represents progress by Yellowbook. Clearly, the word is going forth that NORTH MINNEAPOLIS IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT ALL THE PHONE BOOKS DUMPED AT VACANT HOUSES.

However, our neighborhood leadership should not have to be tied up with this issue. The phone book companies need to STOP DROPPING OFF UNSOLICITED PHONE BOOKS, not making amends afterward.

HELP US, MAYOR R.T. RYBAK!!! Phone Book Dumpers Show NoMi No Mercy...

Photos By Jeff Skrenes

As I mentioned in a previous post about the "One Man Minneapolis" pageant, I spoke to Mayor R.T. Rybak at the event about how modest reforms to stop unwanted phone book dumping are having no impact. Trucks full of phone book dumpers appear to have no "opt out" lists at all. They simply drive along throwing books WHEREVER and a couple days ago even delivered a book to a vacant lot...

(Parody in the paragraph ahead)

Jeff Skrenes, a.k.a. "The Hawthorne Hawkman," physically recovered from his injurious, near-death encounter with the "Dumpinator 3000" and now possessing super mutant powers, fired off a missive to me about a recent confrontation with evil phone book dumpers who hit the Hawthorne Neighborhood a few days ago, making their crappy "deliveries" at OBVIOUSLY VACANT houses with, duh, boards on the doors.

BOARDS ON THE DOORS, I SAY!!!!! CURSE YOU, YELLOWBOOK!!!!!

Here, exactly as it was typed up in "the case files of the Hawthorne Hawkman," is Jeff's firsthand account...

I was leaving my place and I saw a person dropping of Yellow Pages phone books. Out of curiosity, I decided to drive up and down my street to see if they had left phone books at vacant properties. Surprisingly, one place with boards on it did not have a phone book there. But the next vacant house, which had several stickers, a realtor lockbox, and numerous OTHER rotting phone books on it stoop did have TWO phone books there. It was a duplex, after all.

So I grabbed those two phone books and chased after the van. I caught up to it and threw the phone books in the open hatch - it was stopped, so this wasn't like some wild police chase, although that would have been cool.

(JNS says: yeah, like yesterday when me and a friend chased a john and a prostitute from 2700 Morgan Ave. N., SO COOL!!!! Anyway...)

That's when the lady driving the van saw me and got out. I told her she was leaving phone books at vacant houses, which she completely denied doing. She also questioned why this was a problem.

Well at that point, I stopped talking and I started shouting.

"YOU LEAVE THESE PHONE BOOKS AT EMPTY HOUSES AND IT'S LIKE A NEON SIGN FOR SQUATTERS AND COPPER THIEVES!!!" And words to that effect.

She then started to yell, "Police! Police! I got a man yelling at me!"

"Yeah, get the police over here!" I yelled. "And I'll tell them how you're LITTERING! Now go back on your WHOLE ROUTE and make sure you don't have ANY PHONE BOOKS AT VACANT PROPERTIES!!!"

Well just then her partner came back around the corner and wanted to know what was going on. It was pretty much the same conversation, only louder. He even said, "How am I supposed to know if a house is vacant? I don't go in and look in the windows."

"Well you CAN'T look in the windows because they're BOARDED UP!!!" I yelled. "And if there's a lockbox on the door, it's vacant. If there are stickers on the door, it's vacant. If there are TEN OTHER PHONE BOOKS ON THE PORCH IT'S VAAAACAAANT!!!"

"Now," I continued. "I'm going to call my neighbors up and tell them to be on the lookout for phone book littering. So you need to go back on your WHOLE ROUTE and pick up ANY PHONE BOOKS you left at vacant properties. And we will be WATCHING to make sure you don't do this any more."

Oh, but it got better. Another truck pulled up and asked what the problem was, and I explained (this time, more calmly). They first said that phone books on a porch were GOOD because it makes it look like people are LIVING THERE.

Yeah, right. In the BIZARRO UNIVERSE.

(JNS says: I want to strangle! I want to hit! I want to SCREAM!!! SCREW YOU, YELLOWBOOK!!!! I HOPE WOODPECKERS RIP OUT YOUR EYES!!!!)

Then they said, "If it's such a problem, why don't you go around and pick up the phone books yourself?"

"WHY ARE YOU LEAVING PHONE BOOKS AT VACANT PROPERTIES IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?" I yelled, in response.

The other folks shook their heads at me and drove off. The phone book people got back in their van and actually turned around to double back on their route.

Mission accomplished.

More Images From "One Man Minneapolis," Officer Mark Klukow Brings Victory To NoMi...

Photos By John Hoff

Here are some photos from last night's "One Man Minneapolis" pageant, where Officer Mark Klukow swept to victory while talking up all the deep, positive changes in North Minneapolis. (NoMi)

In the first photo, the brightly lit...

...bar at the entrance of the Pantages Theater, as photographed from above. You enter the theater and the first thing you see is a place to get a drink. And then stuff just gets MORE fun from that point.

In the next two photos, details of the amazing Pantages Theater. In the next photo, the interesting stage decoration for One Man Minneapolis. My first thought was, "Oh, cool, let's SET IT ON FIRE and then run around naked while painted blue!" And then I realized, oh, gee...that's a different event. That's "Burning Man" in the Southwest United States.

NEVER MIND.

In the next image, one of the impressively-dressed ushers circulates a ballot box. One of the women who attended the event with me lobbied a couple of guys seated behind us to vote for Mark Klukow, describing his program to give away bike helmets to kids. At the last minute, at least one more vote was swayed to Klukow. The process was very much like a political caucus, as audience members whose "candidate" didn't make it into the list of finalists became "uncommitted delegates." All the cheering for Klukow by his tightly-knit group of supporters helped create a "bandwagon" effect, propelling Klukow to victory.

In the next photo, Mayor Rybak. His work is never done. Even at this social event, numerous individuals approached, shook his hand, and then mentioned some city issue. I was no exception to the rule, approaching and then telling Rybak how phone book dumping continues to plague North Minneapolis despite some purported reforms by the phone book industry. The Mayor said this issue was frustrating and he would continue to stay on top of it.

In the next photo, Sonda Samuels, who runs the Peace Foundation. This photo was taken shortly after word that Mark Klukow had won, so the Peace Foundation would be getting a $1,000 donation. In the next image, Klukow receives congratulations from supporters after his victory.

Some time after the pageant was done but the theater was still full of people, there was a moment when anarchy descended and anybody could grab the oversized check and pose with it. This young woman said how she'd ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE HER PICTURE TAKEN WITH AN OVERSIZED CHECK. So, for a moment, she stole the identity of Mark Klukow and posed like the night's big winner.

After the pageant, an "after party" next door featured "man-tini" drinks. Since I was a designated driver, I only took a little sip of a "man-tini." It was a little bit more fruity than my idea of a martini, but quite nice.

A Blizzard Of Paper At 3020 6th Street North...

Photo By John Hoff 

The powers-that-be appear to be giving special attention to 3020 6th Street North, judging by how much paper is hitting the door, lately. This is the former drug house which constantly dragged down our quality of life in the Hawthorne Eco Village, but recently it went down hard like the Titanic on CRACK.

The paper on the door is an eviction notice and a "Writ of Recovery of Premises." Normally, you just don't see THIS MUCH paper but, hey, nobody is complaining. If I worry about recycling paper, I can always go around and pick up a couple thousand worthless Dex phone books.

(Do not click "Read More")

Hawthorne Housing Director On Road To Recovery After Freak Phone Book Dumping Accident...

Photos By John Hoff 

As reported in a previous (parody) blog post, Hawthorne Housing Director Jeff Skrenes is on the road to recovery after being the victim of a freak phone book dumping accident which is all the fault of Dex and their evil "Dumpinator 3000."

Obviously, a lawsuit is being contemplated...

...as soon as the doctors and lawyers can figure out the full extent of the physical and neurological damage, subtracting out that whole"Hawthorne Hawkman" X-man mutant experiment thing which has, arguably, actually INCREASED many of Jeff's abilities in the wake of the accident. But there's still "pain and suffering" to consider and, no, I'm not just talking about all those creatures living in forests destroyed to make phone books thrown away after sitting on a doorstep for an afternoon. CURSE YOU DEX!!!!

So, yeah, it's complicated. Jeff's physical injuries are easy to figure out, but the brain damage is much harder to pin down. After all, Jeff's "normal baseline" already involved making small talk about sub prime mortgages.

Recently, some friends gathered with our dear friend Jeff to watch Game Seven of the Stanley Cup. Jeff showed us some of the physical therapy he's doing under the guidance of the Veterans Administration. How Jeff ended up in a VA hospital is a long story, but suffice to say he's stuck there without enough physical therapy resources to go around. So the VA just told Jeff to go buy a hula hoop, use it, and "get better."

Fortunately, our mutual friend Connie Nompelis (No-buhl-iss, it's Greek) actually makes hula hoops out of irrigation pipe and decorative duct tape.

In the top photo, Connie demonstrates her hula technique and Jeff sort of follows in the bottom photo. Unfortunately, what should have been a fun bit of physical exercise actually revealed how badly damaged Jeff is. Consider: here's me, an army vet rated at 30 percent disability, with one leg almost two inches shorter than the other, jammed up into my hip after a freak accident involving a violent psych patient jacked up on angel dust. (No, that part is NOT parody)

But who can hula longer, me and my wounded army green corpse or Jeff, a strapping young man in the prime of life?

Me, of course.

Which just goes to show you how horribly Jeff was messed up by the Dumpinator 3000 and how badly Dex needs to get the taste sued out of their mouth for their unrelenting evil phone book dumping.

CURSE YOU DEX!!!!!!!!!!

Phone Book Dumpers Stopped In Their Tracks...

Contributed Photos 

A regular reader submitted these photos and told me a story that happened a few days ago, as she stopped some phone book dumpers right at the conclusion of their delivery to a complex of townhomes. The "Hawthorne Hawkman" would have been proud as the evil dumpers were forced to go back and "undump" their pile of wasted trees.

Though this incident happened in one of the southern suburbs, the issue of unwanted phone book dumping is bigger than North Minneapolis. So here's the story...

I caught them right as they were at the last building of 46 townhomes, all with individual doorsteps. I asked them to go back and pick up each one, telling them we don't want them, they didn't clear it with management and this is private property (that really is irrelevant, but I try to play the hardball and use it when I can, scare some Jehovah's witnesses, scare some thugs away, scare some phone book thugs, you know)

So after a lot of bitching and moaning and telling me they need my contact info and did I already take the property off the delivery list, cause, ya know, they have a delivery order for this property and it's not listed as "DO NOT DELIVER."

I told them, yes, I have, several times but it does no good. So i have to stand there with my arms crossed and glare at them until the driver barks at the lady and tells her to get moving, go pick them all up again.

She takes her little rolling cart and starts making her way up and down each door walkway, back and forth, up and down, getting 5 or 6 books at a time, bringing them back to the overflowing mini-van and then back up and down for more.

Meanwhile I got my camera and start snapping pictures of them, and continue to stand and glare making sure they go to each of the 8 buildings, each of the 46 doorways. Towards the end, I go over and thank them, apologize for having to be the bitch about it, but this phone dumping is ridiculous.

The lady starts into a rant about how "you don't have to take it out on us, you're treating us like we are criminals and we are just doing our job!" I tell her I am sorry, but I don't want the phone books and Dex is the criminal here. She continues to rant about "how everyone makes us go back and get the phone books and THAT isn't part of their job, just delivering them is."

I advised her that perhaps she should go ask permission FIRST before they start dumping hundreds of phone books at multi-family properties etc. She says how uncomfortable it is that I am taking their picture, I reassure her "don't worry, I don't even know your name or anything" again with the "treating us like criminals" etc.

So in the end I tried to communicate that I was thankful that they picked them up and hope they had a better day from here out.

UUuuuugggggggggggggggg.

JNS says: You go, girl, and hopefully readers will take heart and do likewise. 

DEX YOU SUCK!!!!!!!

NoMi Candy To Promote Our Neighborhood...

Photos By John Hoff

A few days ago, Realtor Connie Nompelis (No-buhl-iss, it's Greek) was passing out candy like it was Halloween, promoting the NoMi neighborhood branding effort with M & Ms bearing the words "GET TO NOMI." A lot of this candy was handed out at the Victory 44 restaurant and bar right after the NoMi calender photo shoot.

"How much did you pay for these?" I asked.

"Too much," she answered.

"Seriously," I pressed. "HOW MUCH?"

She answered $50 for four bags. Is there any crazy thing we won't do to support our neighborhood and push forward its rapid revitalization?

I should add that Victory 44 restaurant has calamari that tastes like it was made by squid-loving angels, plus at least one VERY HOT WAITRESS who was willing to pose for a photo with Hawthorne Housing Director Jeff Skrenes just because...well, why not? He is the Hawthorne Hawkman, after all, and X-men mutants need love, too. (See prior post about Jeff's long, slow physical recovery after taking on some evil phone book dumpers)

I asked the waitress if any "Victory 44" shirts were for sale and she said, well, there had been some talk, recently, about selling some of the shirts to customers. I said if the bar shirts said something about the "NoMi" neighborhood, well, then I'd buy one for sure.

(Do not click "Read More")

Hawthorne Housing Director On The Long, Slow Road To Physical Recovery After Freak Phone Book Dumping Incident...

Photos By John Hoff, top photo is contributed

As revealed in a previous (parody) blog post, Hawthorne's Housing Director, Jeff Skrenes, was tragically injured in a freak phone book dumping incident. Fortunately, he has been recovering thanks to the love of his friends and endless hours of painful physical therapy.

OUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS SOOOOOOOO GOING TO SUE DEX OVER THIS...

Details have emerged about the incident, which involved a massive amount of Dex phone books loaded into a nefarious, clearly illegal device known as the Dumpinator 3000.

In order to understand how the accident happened, you need to know something about the personality of Jeff Skrenes. If Jeff were a Marine, he'd be the kind of Marine who would throw himself on a grenade to save his buddy. And then his buddy would say, "Dude, what are you DOING? That's one of MY grenades, and I haven't even PULLED THE PIN!"

On the day of the accident...and we're still not sure precisely what day that was, due to uncertainty about how long Jeff laid unconscious on that old, rotten porch...Jeff had assumed his "Hawthorne Hawkman" superhero persona, and was out patrolling for slumlord evil when he caught site of the Dexmobile going around with a load of phonebooks made from virgin Canadian forests. The Dexmobile had a frightening new feature...some kind of powerful catapult device, capable of hurling phone books long distances with great force.

At that very moment, the Dex Mobile was heading right toward some run down "249 list" properties with boarded up windows, missing copper pipes, weeds in the yard rapidly becoming a prairie eco system, and probably about a dozen old, rotting phone books already stacked up on the porch. Both of those particular buildings were slated for demolition in the near future as part of neighborhood revitalization efforts.

Inexplicably, irrationally desperate to save the doomed and blighted property from yet one more injury and/or insult, Jeff put himself between the rotting front porch and the business end of the Dumpinator 3000, and...and...

Well, initially it was thought the force which hit Jeff square in the chest was roughly equal to a redwood tree, 30 feet in diameter, falling over...but recently the estimate has been revised to "a fully loaded Peterbilt truck, traveling at 60 miles an hour carrying a load of old growth timber." In any case, it messed up Jeff pretty good...though, notably, left virtually intact all the geeky mortgage knowledge packed in his cranium.

Naturally, the Dexmobile never stopped and we have yet to get an apology from the company. (If we did get an apology, it would probably arrive written on the first sheet of a ream of paper, and they'd throw away the rest of the ream) Plans are being laid to "slap Dex with some paper," if you catch my drift.

In the photos above, top to bottom: Jeff relearns the ability to speak with the help of Manny The Talking Bro Buddy, at the Veterans Administration hospital. It's not that Jeff is a VET, mind you, it's just there was some kind of strange mix up when Jeff was being "medically evacuated" by helicopter from the scene of the accident, and somehow Jeff ended up in the VA system.

It's all my fault. Jeff thought my army dog tags were "buff" and he wanted to wear the dog tags while working out at the gym. I was all, like, WHATEVER. You want the army dog tags? You can't HANDLE the army dog tags! But Jeff thought he could, and he was wearing the dog tags that particular day when he stepped in front of the Dumpinator 3000.

Well, technically he's STILL wearing one of the dog tags, since it's now embedded in his lung, too close to his heart to remove, the doctors say.

Everything has worked out all for the good, however. Jeff has been learning interesting stuff from the injured veterans, harsh new tricks he intends to try on the slumlords and phone book companies once he's fully, physically recovered.

In the second photo, since the VA doesn't have a lot of money, Jeff's low-budget physical therapy often involves stuff like "pick up sticks and let's make a campfire" or, "hey, buddy, push my wheelchair to the commissary" or giving endless back massages to cute army nurses.

In the third photo, Jeff shows off the successful results of his VA "chest transplant." Now it turns out Jeff really, truly is part United States Marine. Jeff swears the new chest gives him actual super powers to play the role of "Hawthorne Hawkman" but I said, "Jeff, that's the morphine talking. It's just a regular human chest, I think, but...well, the government. You never know. What do you mean actual super powers?"

And then Jeff proceeded to bend a metal bed frame with his bare hands and I was like, "Whoah! DUDE! That's U.S. Government property. Save that (expletive) for the slumlords."

The last photo shows a cake celebrating Jeff's birthday. It was purchased at the last minute at Keefer Court bakery in the West Bank, as Jeff's friends and relatives rushed to the VA hospital, having received word Jeff had finally regained consciousness and was talking some crazy stuff about...well, geeky mortgage topics, of course.

Oh, GOD!!!!!!!!! My dear friend Jeff, suffering so at the hands of the phone book companies. Transformed--through a mix up in dog tags--into some kind of freaky government X-Man mutant, a fate that was clearly meant for ME!

I can barely bear it!!!! Ayeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

Know this, Dex. THIS I SWEAR UPON THE BLOODIED REMNANTS OF MY FRIEND'S SHIRT, which I used to stop his bleeding when I found him on that porch, yes, the shirt which says "Hawthorne Neighborhood Council," now stained with the blood of my friend, now tied around the bumper of my CHEVY like a martial banner of vengeance...

I will fight your phone book dumping, I will have my dark, horrible "getting even" upon your corporate tree killing evil. THIS IS SWEAR!!!

WWW.PAPERLESSPETITION.ORG (Stop Phone Book Dumping!)

Knowing my unrelenting dislike of unwanted phone book dumping in North Minneapolis, Jordan neighborhood "super volunteer" Megan Goodmundson forwarded a website address for a petition to stop phone book dumping. Check out http://www.paperlesspetition.org/

(Super blogger Ed Kohler of The Deets prefers the term "phone book spam.")

In the photos above, top to bottom, a phone book in the yard of the "Hawthorne Princess" owned by Realtor Connie Nompelis. (No-buhl-iss, it's Greek) This one is trying hard to become a tree again through oneness with the earth. Second, a "phone book flower" which somebody delivered to the front door of the office of the Hawthorne Neighborhood Association.

(Don't look at me, when would I find the time for THAT?)

Last, phone books heading from front steps to curbside recycling, without ever being removed from their bags.

HEY YELLOW PAGES AND DEX: Have you heard of amazing new plastic bags made from corn starch polymer? Breaks down in water and sunlight? (Click here) It's the least you could do while (expletive)ing up Mother Earth, you mother(expletives)!!!!!!!!

(Do not click "Read More," of course if you did it's not like any trees would be wasted)

Hawthorne/Jordan "Clean Sweep" Was A Whole Lot Of Garbage! Situations We Discovered While Looking For Old Tires...

Photos By John Hoff 

Systematically going through alleys to find old tires, we found other situations...enough for 13 calls to the 311 system.

However, since that system isn't available on the weekends (too bad, if you ask me) I just sent the list in by email, receiving an acknowledgement on Monday along with all the reference numbers. In the top photo...

You see one of the problems of doing a "Clean Sweep." Often you have to ask yourself, "Did they put that out for garbage, or does it just happen to be sitting there, and we should leave it alone?"

Other situations are more clear. Here, a pile of filth is behind a fence, though right near a garbage collection point. We can't get behind the fence, so that's a 311 call.

Situations turn up in the yards of vacant houses. That pile of black garbage bags is yard waste, but it's in the yard of a vacant house and appears to have been there for a long time. So that's a 311 call to hurry things along. 

As for the last photo, I don't know whether to consider this progress or a setback. Somebody dropping off piles of unwanted phonebooks found the yard of a vacant home, and just dumped the whole pile in the backyard. Somehow, this strikes me as marginally BETTER than putting the phone books on the steps of vacant, boarded up houses, individually.

But it still merits a call to the 311 system. 

Hawthorne Housing Director Injured In Phonebook Mishap

Unwanted phone book dumping--which up to now has been merely annoying and environmentally unsound--has finally caused a serious injury in the Hawthorne Neighborhood of North Minneapolis. A couple days ago Jeff Skrenes--Hawthorne's dedicated Housing Director--was hit by a flying mass of phone books one physics expert estimated to have the approximate force of a falling old growth tree 30 feet in diameter.

Skrenes was....

...reported to be in critical condition, but still conscious and lucid enough to vow vengeance on behalf of the neighborhood association against companies like Dex.

"Read...Ed...Kohler's...blog...The Deets," Jeff managed to whisper, through lips that were bloodied but still (according to one eyewitness) quite kissable. "Must...protest...must take...direct action."

In the wake of heated emotions in the neighborhood after the injury of Skrenes, there was loose talk of gathering up truckloads of phone books and taking them right back to where they came from, only in a much more rain-soaked condition than when they arrived, unwanted, on the steps of houses which have been vacant for as long as two years.