Thursday, August 2, 2012

Introducing New Penn Ave. N. Resident Jeff Skrenes To "The Hooker Steps" At 2755 Penn Ave. N.

Photo, blog post by John Hoff

Jeff Skrenes, whose numerous neighborhood titles will probably soon require a special blog post that I can link to and skip introductions each time he is mentioned herein, is a new homeowner on Penn Ave. N. Buying that home shows how Jeff Skrenes--who I normally think of as "King of the Geeks"-- has a bit of a gambler streak. But if anybody can turn that area around, it's the Hawthorne Hawkman; part nerd, part swashbuckler.

Naturally, when I visited his home for the first time I wanted to know what problems he was having with Penn Ave. N. hookers...

Were they sitting on his steps? Copulating on his lawn? Pooping on his property? (Click here for example) What works to REPEL this sort of thing? Can you swing by Fleet Farm and get a 5 gallon bucket of Hooker-B-Gone and sprinkle it all over the sidewalk?

To my surprise, Jeff told me the hookers had thinned out considerably and were not much in evidence on Penn Ave. N. these days.

So I asked him, "What about the Hooker Steps? Do you see anybody sitting on the hooker steps?"

"What do you mean HOOKER STEPS?" Jeff asked.

Turns out even though I'd mentioned "hooker steps" in a number of blog posts, click here for an example, somehow super policy geek Jeff Skrenes must have been SKIMMING.

Not knowing the address by heart, I told Jeff I'd SHOW him the hooker steps. We drove by 2755 Penn Ave. N., pictured above, and from the curb what did I see? Arg! Somebody had dropped off a phone book. I mean, the door to the property is boarded up, it hasn't been lived in within my memory, but some phonebook spammer throws a phone book on the steps. Or maybe a hooker left it there to sit upon. Hard to tell who is more worthy of reproach but I'd have to go with the phonebook dumpers. At least hookers don't contribute to deforestation.

Hookers are, in some sense, victims. But phone book dumpers are just BAD ACTORS.

I got out to fetch the phonebook and Jeff followed after, Robin to my Batman. Suddenly, I stopped dead in front of the steps.

"WHOAH!" I said, dramatically.

"What is it?" Jeff asked, mildly alarmed. I mean, had I seen a BODY poking out from under the porch?

"These are the mystical, magical hooker steps," I told Jeff, dramatically. "Sitting upon these steps has the power to transform somebody into a hooker. Even men, though lord knows they'd be required to dress as women. So if I'm going to fetch the phonebook, I just want to be VERY SURE OF MY FOOTING. I don't want to, like, trip and have my ass make contact with the steps."

My joke wasn't that good but Jeff laughed, because nerds are very kind and laugh at each other's nerd jokes. Anyway, I fetched the phone book and threw it in the back of my vehicle, destined for the recycle bin.

And new Penn Ave. N. resident Jeff Skrenes, chosen by fate to help turn that area around, was now aware of the location of the "hooker steps."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

John, how about a post on todays strib article related to 2722 Oliver/exploiting minors. You will be shocked to find out who the lamelord is.