Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Hawthorne Housing Director On Road To Recovery After Freak Phone Book Dumping Accident...

Photos By John Hoff 

As reported in a previous (parody) blog post, Hawthorne Housing Director Jeff Skrenes is on the road to recovery after being the victim of a freak phone book dumping accident which is all the fault of Dex and their evil "Dumpinator 3000."

Obviously, a lawsuit is being contemplated...

...as soon as the doctors and lawyers can figure out the full extent of the physical and neurological damage, subtracting out that whole"Hawthorne Hawkman" X-man mutant experiment thing which has, arguably, actually INCREASED many of Jeff's abilities in the wake of the accident. But there's still "pain and suffering" to consider and, no, I'm not just talking about all those creatures living in forests destroyed to make phone books thrown away after sitting on a doorstep for an afternoon. CURSE YOU DEX!!!!

So, yeah, it's complicated. Jeff's physical injuries are easy to figure out, but the brain damage is much harder to pin down. After all, Jeff's "normal baseline" already involved making small talk about sub prime mortgages.

Recently, some friends gathered with our dear friend Jeff to watch Game Seven of the Stanley Cup. Jeff showed us some of the physical therapy he's doing under the guidance of the Veterans Administration. How Jeff ended up in a VA hospital is a long story, but suffice to say he's stuck there without enough physical therapy resources to go around. So the VA just told Jeff to go buy a hula hoop, use it, and "get better."

Fortunately, our mutual friend Connie Nompelis (No-buhl-iss, it's Greek) actually makes hula hoops out of irrigation pipe and decorative duct tape.

In the top photo, Connie demonstrates her hula technique and Jeff sort of follows in the bottom photo. Unfortunately, what should have been a fun bit of physical exercise actually revealed how badly damaged Jeff is. Consider: here's me, an army vet rated at 30 percent disability, with one leg almost two inches shorter than the other, jammed up into my hip after a freak accident involving a violent psych patient jacked up on angel dust. (No, that part is NOT parody)

But who can hula longer, me and my wounded army green corpse or Jeff, a strapping young man in the prime of life?

Me, of course.

Which just goes to show you how horribly Jeff was messed up by the Dumpinator 3000 and how badly Dex needs to get the taste sued out of their mouth for their unrelenting evil phone book dumping.

CURSE YOU DEX!!!!!!!!!!


The Mortgage Geek said...

John, one reason you were able to hula hoop longer than I could is because of the psychological trauma that still haunts me to this very day.

You see, as the phone books rained down upon my helpless body, I tried my best to dodge them. I twisted my shoulders, swiveled my hips, pivoted and pirouetted as the endless barrage of condensed paper surrounded me OH NO THERE'S MORE!!! WHEN WILL IT STOP?!?!?!

Sorry about that flashback. But the hooping movements just bring back so much that I've suppressed, which is one reason the VA gave me this exercise.

On the bright side, however, if this incident had occurred several years ago at the height of the mortgage boom, I might not have survived. You see, there were a lot more mortgage brokers, bankers, and Realtors in the business back then and phone books were EVEN THICKER AND HEAVIER.

But then the market crashed and the state of Minnesota forced brokers out of the business by changing the bonding requirements for brokers so that you had to have a surety bond of at least $50,000 - even more than what is required to do FHA loans! (My therapist says that incomprehensible mortgage technicalities have a soothing effect on my psyche)

Anonymous said...

Jeff - You can do it - put your back into it!!!

JNS Reader said...

Have you seen this, Johnny?
The Deets gets his revenge...