Saturday, November 14, 2009

Chipper The Entrepreneurial Squirrel Concedes Victory To Don Samuels In Fifth Ward...(Parody Alert)

Showing more class than three of Don Samuels' opponents, today Fifth Ward write-in candidate Chipper The Entreprenuerial Squirrel officially conceded victory to Samuels in an impromptu sidewalk conference on Hillside Ave. N.

"Um, yeah," Chipper said, nervously watching behind him for automobiles. "I actually conceded on election night by Tw-Tw-Twitter, but nobody really noticed because they were all eating at Broadway Puh-puh-pizza. But I did. I sent something by asking my friend Johnny Northside to use his twitter. So yeah. I did. He ran a good race, didn't get hit by any cars or anything, and had to take on three candidates that were just total...


Chipper then quickly added: "Allegedly."

Chipper pointed out that Fifth Ward Candidate Roger Smithrud had conceded on election night as well, greeting Samuels and shaking his hand (which features opposable thumbs) during Samuels' pre-victory victory party at Broadway Pizza.

"Yeah," Chipper said with a heavy sigh. "Those opposable thumbs were a real advantage for Samuels and the other candidates. I figured that out kind of late in the game. But I should say, at least Roger Smithrud has some class. He shook hands with Samuels and conceded. I'd shake hands if I could get up that high, even with my lack of thumbs. But what is the excuse for the other three candidates? Hey, it's not like they lack opposable thumbs. I'm just saying."

Asked about his future plans, Chipper said he was really busy getting ready for winter and regrets devoting so much time to campaigning instead of laying away stores of, for example, acorns. He is thinking of starting a environmentally-oriented non-profit which would, among other things, plant oak trees.

"Yeah, there's a vacant lot at Puh-Puh-Plymouth and Sheridan that's just crying out for a few nice, shady trees. Nut bearing trees, preferably. So I wanna see if I can talk to my friend Lennie Chism about that, but he's not around much. He's got some legal issues to untangle. But, yeah, acorns. Not the controversial kind of ACORN, but the tasty kind."

Chipper wished Samuels good luck in the next four years, and hoped that crime would continue to go down and stay down, with a new focus on problem spots which have festered for years.

"Clearly," Chipper said, "There are issues around 27th and Penn. Those girls walking up and down Penn aren't innocently gathering nuts, if you know what I mean!"

Asked if he would run for office again in the future, Chipper said, "Well, you know, I need to weigh my options and spend some time with my fuh-fuh-family and maybe do some consulting work. I'm glad I didn't quit my day job. And, unlike some candidates, I was honest. I never lied about where I lived, for example. Well...I'm sure readers will be hearing more about THAT later."


veg*nation said...


now that chipper is free to consider job opportunities, i think we should officially offer him the role of NoMi mascot and/or spokesmodel. "chipper the entrepreneurial squirrel" could make promotional appearances, and appear on signs to be posted in areas targeted for clean-up.

JNS Reader said...

Welcome back, Johnny...

Johnny Northside said...

It's great to be back. Jeff did a fine job keeping the blog going while I was trucking in half a dozen states.