The Late Mister Early--Sounds Like An Abbott And Costello Routine, Doesn't It?

Abbott and Costello image used for First Amendment commentary and criticism, blog post by John Hoff, "The Late Mr. Early" copyright John Hoff, 2011. 


Pardon my dark gallows humor. Blame it on being in Afghanistan, month after month.

As I was researching the death of "the late Mr. Early" and the wasted life of his possible father, also named Early (therefore an earlier Early) I was reminded of an Abbott and Costello routine.

You know, Who's on first? What's on second? And I Don't Know is on third?

So I took a crack at writing up this (admitted) tragedy as an Abbott and Costello routine, with dubious results.

Here, as a twisted little Thanksgiving Day present to Johnny Northside readers, I present "The Late Mr. Early" ...



Abbott: (By himself, looking at audience from a stage set made to look like a street corner)

I was reading a neighborhood blog the other day, and what I read was a real shame! Frank Sam Early, a convicted drug dealer, dead in a senseless random shooting. Now I guess you could say he’s the late Mr. Early!

And then the same blogger managed to dig up some info about some other guy with the same name, Frank Sam Early, who might be the father of the other Early! This older Early went to prison, too, in the 1970s. He was also convicted of the same thing: dealing drugs.

But the blogger who dug up the info couldn’t determine if the earlier Early is dead or alive.

Oh, here comes my friend Costello. I know he sometimes reads that blog, too.

Abbott: (Speaking to Costello, who walks up) Ah, it’s a shame, I tell you, a real shame! Early is now late.

Costello: Wait. Early is late? How can early be late? Early is early!

Abbott: But now Early is late.

Costello: Early’s not early no more?

Abbott: Early will always be Early. But now he’s the late Early.

Costello: So is he late, or is he early?

Abbott: Which one?

Costello: Early? Or late?

Abbott: Both!

Costello: Fine, both then! So is Early late?

Abbott: I know one of the Earlys is late. I’m not sure about the other one.

Costello: Wait! There’s TWO earlys?

Abbott: Exactly.

Costello: And one of the earlys is late?

Abbott: I’m afraid so!

Costello: How do we know which early we’re talking about, then?

Abbott: Well, one is the early Early, and one is the late Early.

Costello: WHICH ONE?

Abbott: The early Early may or may not be late. We don’t know, yet. The late Early is definitely late.

Costello: You already said that! But it still doesn’t make any sense!

Abbott: I agree. It’s totally senseless.

Costello: That early is late?

Abbott: Precisely!

Costello: We finally agree on something! So who decided this?

Abbott: To make Early the late Early?

Costello: Yes!

Abbott: We don’t know, yet. The police are looking into it.

Costello: The POLICE are looking into why early is now late?

Abbott: Precisely.

Costello: But the other early is still early, right? There's no problem there, right?

Abbott: Well, the police already looked into the early Early.

Costello: Why did they look into the early early? What was the problem there?

Abbott: Drugs.

Costello: The early early was involved with drugs?

Abbott: I’m afraid they both were.

Costello: Who was?

Abbott: BOTH the Earlys.

Costello: The late one and the early one?

Abbott: Yes. But we don’t know if the early Early is late. We only know that the late Early is late.

Costello: Which early?

Abbott: The latter.

Costello: The latter early is late?

Abbott: Precisely. But the early Early might also be late. We just don’t know.

Costello: The police are looking into that?

Abbott: No. The police are only looking into the latter Early.

Costello: They’re not looking into why the early early is late? They don’t know if he’s late?

Abbott: Precisely.

Costello: Well, why would they look into one and not the other if both the earlys might actually be late?

Abbott: Because what happened with the early Early happened a lot earlier. A long time ago, in fact. If the early Early was late a long time ago, then I’m sure the police already looked into it. If it was suspicious, I mean.

Costello: If WHAT was suspicious?

Abbott: Why the early Early was made the late Early. If he was. The police would only look into that if it were suspicious. Any Early might become late, but that doesn’t mean it’s suspicious.

Costello: Any early could become late?

Abbott: Just like the rest of us. We’ll all be late some day.

Costello: Will the police look into it?

Abbott: Only if it’s suspicious.

Costello: Why I’m late?

Abbot: Precisely. But you’re not late, yet, you’re standing here talking to me.

Costello: How do you know I’m not late?

Abbott: You’re standing here talking to me, aren’t you?

Costello: I’ve been standing here talking to you for five minutes and not a thing has made sense! We’ve got a late early, an early early who might be late, and the police are looking into why early is late! But only ONE of the earlys, even though the other one may be late as well. IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL!

Abbott: Didn’t I say it was senseless?

Costello: (Grabs his hat as it appears to almost fly off his head. Runs around in a circle, gets up in Abbot’s face) Now you’re gonna tell me right now! If I’m late, are the police going to look into it?

Abbott: Only if it’s suspicious.

Costello: I gotta get out of here. I’m worried that I’m gonna be late.

Abbott: Why? You got health problems?

Costello: I feel like I’m losing my mind!

Abbott: Well, don’t turn to drugs. That’s probably why early is late.

Costello: Just one of them?

Abbott: No, they both did drugs.

Costello: Did the police look into it?

Abbott: Yes, into both of them.

Costello: I thought the police were only looking into the one?

Abbott: The police are looking into why the late early is late. As for the early early, drugs were involved, but that investigation was concluded a long time ago. Though I imagine if the early Early isn’t late, then the early Early is probably still using drugs.

Costello: If the early early isn’t late, the early early is using drugs?

Abbott: Probably.

Costello: I’m think I’m going to use some drugs in a minute, here.

Abbott: Don’t do it. It will make you late.

Costello: And then the police will look into it?

Abbott: You bet they will.

Costello: But you don’t know if the police looked into the early early?

Abbott: I know for a fact they looked into the drugs with both the Earlys. I just don’t know if the early Early is late, and if the police ever looked into THAT.

Costello: But if the early early is late, you think drugs were the cause?

Abbott: Could be. But it could be murder. Then again, maybe the early Early just died in his sleep.

Costello: How can an early die in his sleep?

Abbot: Which one?

Costello: Either of them!

Abbott: You’re right. They’re a lot more likely to be murdered, or overdose on drugs.

Costello: I give up. I’ll never understand this.

Abbott: Didn’t I say it was senseless?

Costello: Senseless is talking to you!

Abbott: Where is she? I don’t see her.

Costello: (Runs away, screaming)

Abbott: (Yells after) Be careful, acting like that! You’re in a tough neighborhood! YOU DON’T WANT TO END UP LIKE EARLY!

Costello: (From off stage) WHICH ONE!? THE EARLY EARLY OR THE LATTER?

Abbott: Ladder!

(Off stage, Crashing sound of aluminum, Costello crying out in pain)

Abbott: (Looking at the audience, helplessly) I told him to look out for the ladder.