JNS BLOG EDITORIAL: Recycle Your Unwanted Votes By Electing Johnny Northside As Soil And Water Conservation District Supervisor...

Photo of the "Lake Arian monster," Combat Outpost Arian, Afghanistan, 
blog post by John Hoff

You know what voting is like? It's like being invited to a party with all sorts of famous and interesting people like President Obama, Mitt Romney, Senator Amy Klobuchar. Served up at the party are gourmet treats upon which you feast.

Voter identification hot dish.

Marriage Amendment double layer cake.

But toward the end of the party, a bunch of people you don't know arrive and start to dominate your time and attention...

A dozen talkative lawyers. Some guys in dirty overalls who won't shut up about "soil conservation." You had your moment with the president and the senator, but now the whole end of the party is dominated by people you don't know and just want to get away from.

As you get into your car, your date (of whatever sex your date may be) says something like, "Wow, what a party. President Obama and Mitt Romney in the same room and all those ISSUES served up on the buffet table."

But you reply, "Yeah, but who were those PEOPLE at the end of the party? The soil guys?"

"Oh, god. They wanted your vote, too?"

"WHO WERE THOSE GUYS AND WHY WOULDN'T THEY STOP TALKING ABOUT SOIL? CAN'T THEY TAKE A HINT THEY'RE NOT VERY INTERESTING AND I HAVE NOT IDEA WHO THEY ARE?"

Somehow the voting booth party always goes like this, with a strange letdown at the end due to all the "junk offices."

But now imagine the party played out differently. Somebody you know--a blogger and environmentalist--swoops in to "rescue" you from the soil guys. (I will address the issue of that pack of lawyers who want to be judges in another blog posting)

Suddenly, you don't have to feel like your time and attention was wasted by a bunch of "soil guys" you don't even know. I'm going to turn that confusing, brow-furrowing moment with the "soil guys" into a good feeling. You will walk out of the voting booth and laugh over how Johnny Northside rescued you from those "soil guys" and let you focus on the rest of the party. You will also feel good about your vote, so good you will experience a "buzzy feeling of oneness with the earth."

Pick A Name For Me And Then Write Me In

You see, I am launching a last minute write-in campaign as Soil And Water Conservation District Supervisor. Actually, it's four write-in campaigns at one time because I am running as the Supervisor of Districts 1, 3, 4 and 5 in Hennepin County.

(What happened to District 2? If elected, I will investigate and get you the answer)

I will answer to whatever you call me with your write-in vote, just don't call me late for breakfast. I can be John Hoff, John W. Hoff, Johnny Northside, John "Johnny Northside" Hoff. In fact, as the author of two ultra-green books on dumpster diving, I am also willing to accept votes on behalf of John Hoffman.

I Am Outstanding In My Field, And Fields Are Made of SOIL, HELLO!!!! 

Few people are as obsessed with conserving soil and water as me. I actually take my used tea bags, dry them out, and dump the contents in my yard as compost. I make a point of emptying the basement dehumidifier OUTSIDE and not down a toilet or sink. I take the ice from my drink and toss it in the grass and then toss the plastic container in the trunk of my car to recycle when I get home. I was a member of the Green Party for about seven years but recently quit because they didn't care about environmental issues as strongly as me.

And, finally, if elected I will advocate for the offices of Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor to be removed from the ballot and, instead, filled by appointment.

Nobody knows who these guys are and most of them are running unopposed. Their work involves matters more technical and arcane than political. Such offices are better filled by appointment.

Recycle And/Or Compost Your Unwanted Vote

Doesn't it feel empty to walk out of the booth and know you've wasted four opportunities to vote because you had NO IDEA who these soil guys are? I'm not even asking for a vote you were planning to make use of, anyway. All I want is the vote you were going to throw away, which I will recycle on your behalf and/or turn into compost, whichever metaphor you prefer.

I love to recycle. When I was in graduate school, a friend of mine named Cassandra (I don't remember her last name, but she had red hair) asked me why I would walk all the way to the recycle bin every time I finished a Coke, instead of just taking all the bottles to the recycle bin at once.

I told her I just love the feeling of recycling. The minute I finish my beverage, I can hardly wait to recycle it. I feel like it's my duty to buy plastic bottles instead of aluminum cans, knowing aluminum is probably going to get recycled anyway but who is going to recycle all that PLATIC if not me? Honestly, I save up unwanted decorative sea shells so when I'm near the ocean, I can toss them back.

My friend Cassandra said I was seeking "a buzzy feeling of oneness with the earth." I couldn't agree more. And if you will write me in as Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor in Districts 1, as well as 3 through 5, I truly believe you will experience the same feeling.

And if you don't like me and what I stand for, well, rumor has it there's a guy running named Joe Dirt.

I just made up that rumor, but feel free to spread it as freely as you would, say, lawn seed to see what springs up.




Remember: It's a dirty job but John Hoff and Joe Dirt want to do it.