Tuesday, January 29, 2013

JNS BLOG EDITORIAL: Spanky Pete, Clean Up Your Hygeine!

DOC mug shot therefore public domain, blog post by John Hoff

First of all, an apology.

Oh, not an apology to Spanky Pete, of course, for writing this editorial or for anything else including the time he did in prison after trying to serve paper on this blog. I wanted to let readers know a key piece of my previous blog post got left out by mistake. For those of you wondering "Where was the part about Spanky Pete's body odor," here it is...

Here's our email conversation (edited) about that topic.
JOHNNY NORTHSIDE: Hell of a thing about Jill, (Clark) huh? Couldn't exactly call her "in her prime" right now, could we?

TOM EVENSTAD: Yes it is a shame Jill was not able to withstand the weight of her walk, but she did for a very long time and I believe this rest period will be the blessing in disguise I know it is and the state and nation have not remotely heard the last from Jill! Lol...I know Jill.

JOHNNY NORTHSIDE: Oh, I know Jill, too. She will reappear as a pro se, in forma pauperis litigant. When that time comes, the move will be made to declare her "Rule 9" like Spanky Pete. You've literally rubbed elbows with HIM a few times, I suspect?

TOM EVENSTAD: No Re Rickmyer! No time or patience for Sex Offending Gomers! I never have allowed him to physically come within five feet of me despite desires for inappropriate contact with everyone. I can look at him (sic) his hygiene is appalling and I don't like people like that near me!

JOHNNY NORTHSIDE: Did you mean to write "I can't look at him?"

TOM EVENSTAD: Yes. Cannot stand to...etc. Lol.

 So there you go. Even somebody who used to work for Jill Clark (Spanky Pete's loopy attorney who is now suspended from practicing law) was willing to write to Johnny Northside and complain about Pete's body odor. 

Yes, this problem is rapidly approaching the status of "small but vexing neighborhood issue."What is more offensive than body odor? That's right, SEX OFFENDER BODY ODOR. They don't even MAKE deodorant to cover that issue. 

First, let me say I assume that when Tom Evenstad says he didn't want Pete "near" and that his hygeine is "appalling," I assume we're talking about body odor. That is, yes, an assumption of mine. And while it is true that when you ASSUME you make an ASS out of U and ME, it's even worse when your vulnerable ass is exposed to a guy named "Spanky Pete" who lives to file frivolous lawsuits.

For all I know Spanky may have other hygiene issues besides odoriferous skin and armpits but even those other issues (not changing farty underwear often, not brushing teeth regularly, not going somewhere private to break wind) could manifest in a body odor phenomenon.

Personally, I think some of the problem is just Pete's hectic schedule. I think there's times he's doing yard work and then he realizes, oh gee, it's time to run to the Hennepin County Government Center and hang around annoying public officials. He just doesn't stop to take a shower. And who is going to tell him?

And yes, we all assume Pete is not-so-secretly focused on doing more deviant sexual stuff. That's what we all figure about Level Three Sex Offenders, after all. They're probably plotting more devious sexual stuff.

Well, tell me how offensive body odor fits into such scheme?

It just doesn't. Who wants to be spanked for sexual gratification by The Stinky Guy? And afterward, who is going to keep their mouth out of fear and not speak up about being molested? Molested by who, you ask?

A stinky old no-account? Yes, just a stinky old no account.

Open your mouth. Scream. Run. Wave your arms. It's THE STINKY GUY and he's trying to spank you for sexual gratification.

If Pete would just take a good hard look at himself and try to walk a mile in other people's nostrils, I'm sure he'd realize it's not only in our neighborhood's best interest but it's actually in his own sick and deviant self-interest to clean up his act and become known as Minty Fresh Pete, Soapy Smelling Pete, or even Old Spice Pete.

So if you run into Stinky, Spanky, Creepy Pete at the Hennepinc County Government Center and Pete smells bad, help him get the hint.

Wrinkle up your nose and turn your face. Hold your nose while talking to him, if you are forced to talk with him because of your job position. Pull your head WAAAAAY BACK while interacting. Walk away from the front of the desk, holding your face, and talk to him from some distance away.

Remember, one small step for (a) man...

But probably three or four steps back for a sex offender with a reputation for body odor. 


Anonymous said...

There used to be an award handed out on Rowan and Martin's Laugh -In called the Fickle Finger of Fate. (You Tube,bitches).
I would like to present to Jill and Pete for bringing humor back into our lives and allowing us to enjoy Liverwurst sandwiches again. Peace out, Pete, you will be pulling a bar of soap out of your ass in a couple of months( don't hurt the gerbils) and then,and only then, may you proceed to wash.

Anonymous said...

Quite frankly you, Pete, and Tom are all a bunch of smelly douchebags.

Anonymous said...

What the hell is anonymous 5:58 doing smelling douchebags and where can i get a sniff? How much for a quarter ounce of douche anyhow? Can i get mine in a manila envelope? Any seeds? I want a liverwurst sammy (similar scent i think).