Guest post and photos by the Hawthorne Hawkman. Image from "The Far Side" comic strip.
The Urban dictionary defines an "inconvenience store" as one where the employees are simply rude or unhelpful, or the store does not have often necessary items. But here in NoMi we've had our share of inconvenience stores of a different stripe: establishments that are harmful to the community due to the products they sell, their clientele, or other factors.
In a recent JNS post, "Hillside Chronicle" said of the sign at Wafana's: "If you have to post a sign in the window that says: 'DO NOT STAND IN FRONT OF THE STORE,' you may be an inconvenience store." I got to thinking that there's a lot more where that came from...
If the people buying Brillo pads don't look like they've cleaned anything in their entire lives, you MIGHT be an inconvenience store.
If you have the word "food" in your name, but the most balanced meal one can buy includes beef jerky, ding-dongs, potato chips, and "cheez" products, you just might be an inconvenience store.
If you sell individual Swisher Sweets AND individual baby diapers to the same person at the same time, well...
Come on JNS readers, feel free to add your own!
19 comments:
If Bill McGaughey and Al McFarlane BOTH think it will really stick it to the neighbors to keep you open, then you might be an inconvenience store.
If you close shortly after dark and you string a chain across your parking lot entrance....
If your "we accept EBT & WIC" sign is larger than your store name sign...
(this one's for you, Mr. Inconvenience store on corner of Penn/GVR)
if court documents reflect that your employees are selling crack (or offering to trade it for sex) from behind the counter . . .
If you sell DVDs behind the counter, but you ask the customers: Um, you won't be needing the case, will you?
If customers take their stuff home in a shopping cart...the same one they brought from home.
If there are as many sales going on in the parking lot as inside the store.
If Kenya McKnight tries to gather signatures from your customers.
If you sell cigars inside glass tubes...but you're willing to split the two items.
If you sell any of the following items individually: Beer cups. Razors. Cigarettes.
If Pete The Pedophile stands around at your front counter and chats about whatever with whoever.
If customers fill jugs of water in the bathroom...and you charge them 25 cents a jug.
If Lennie Chism wants to make some kind of business arrangement with you.
If your Plexiglass windows are so old they've turned the color of urine. Oh, wait, that's actually urine.
Now that's a list that should be on Letterman. Well done.
If your building mysteriously blows up the same night the city council revokes your license....
(cough*spuronbroadway*coughcough)
If neighbors are grabbing souvenir bricks as 'war trophies' during the building demolition...
if your sales result in 90% of the litter on the streets of North Minneapolis, otherwise you're a McDonald's, a Taco Bell, or a White Castle.
the only bread you sell is white.
if you "accidentally" sell cigarillos to folks using your EBT & WIC system.
if you're the only building in the neighborhood painted in a primary color.
if you get your inventory from the Costco dumpster.
if your customers's teeth are yellow and rotten.
if the City Pages thinks you are an asset to the community.
if your demise resulted in a quieter, more enjoyable neighborhood.
if you are now, or soon will be, a vacant lot, and people are happy about it.
If any member of the neighborhood organization has had to scrub *brains* off the back wall of your store...
(that one's for you JP!)
If the gang members who offered other businesses in the area $1000/month to deal from their stoop, but were rejected, just "coincidentally" start spending a lot of time loitering inside your store, in four hour shifts . . .
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