YouTube embed, "30 Days In The Hole" by Humble Pie, blog post by John Hoff
Let's get these jailhouse roster nuggets ROCKING!!! Christopher Allen Tornio, DOB 3/4/91, ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS BAIL for aggravated robbery. He might be facing other charges, as well.
You know the drill, like a favorite song: WHERE DOES HE LIVE? According to the roster, his address is 3857 30th Ave. N. in the 55411 zip code.
Oh!!!! It doesn't exist, at least not in North Minneapolis. This guy probably lives in CRYSTAL, where the address DOES exist. Doesn't matter, though. Waving that 55411 zip code in front of Johnny Northside is like waving a red hankie at a bull.
So, on the thin pretext that somebody assigned him to the wrong zip code, (or he lied) (or he was mistaken) and just for the ROCKING FUN OF IT, let's check out his criminal record, shall we?
BAM!!! Here it is:
27-CR-09-24445 TORNIO, CHRISTOPHER ALLEN
Hennepin Criminal/Traffic/Petty Downtown
Duffy, David Crim/Traf Mandatory
Under Court Jurisdiction Burglary-2nd Degree Dwelling - Aid/Abet - GOC
Pled guilty. One of the conditions was he had to write a letter of apology. I'm guessing that letter wasn't terribly sincere, just based on what he's now ACCUSED of doing.
27-CR-10-42409 TORNIO, CHRISTOPHER ALLEN
Hennepin Criminal/Traffic/Petty Downtown Crim/Traf Mandatory
Under Court Jurisdiction Theft of Identity
Financial Transaction Card Fraud
Financial Transaction Card Fraud
Convicted upon one count of financial transaction card fraud. Notably, both the online records of these convictions list Tornio in the 55411 zip code.
David Anthony Tuinder, DOB 4/26/85, was apparently arrested on a probation violation and is headed back to incarceration, but the court record says he will "report on own." A recent court hearing shows a probation violation finding and warrant of judgment and commitment today, May 1.
When searching Tuinder's name, his online court records are all crazily mixed up with the records of a guy named Roger Eugene Keesling, who has been convicted of (among many other things) giving a false name to the police. (Also charged with, but not convicted of, identity theft) The relation between Keesling and Tuinder is unknown, though one possibility based on examination of the record is that one is an alias of the other or one has used the other's identity, though why one no account would use the identity of another no account is a mystery, but who can understand the tangled and senseless ways of no accounts?
If you live on the road/
Well, there's a new highway code/
You take the urban noise and some durban poison/
It's gunna lessen your load/
30 days in the hole
Anyway, Tuinder's address is listed as 1011 Humboldt Ave. N., a rental owned by Bernard Obrien, taxpayer listed as Neirbo Holdings, LLC of 15508 Lagarto La Burnsville, MN. Further searching only reveals Obrien's middle initial is "P."
Ger NMN Vang, DOB 8/9/91, is running around loose on $3,000 bail after being formally charged for allegatations of narcotics as well as receiving/concealing stolen property. Vang's address is listed as 2427 4th St. N., a rental owned by an individual with the same surname. The rental license is in review as of 3/30 of this year. Vang has no previous criminal record EXCEPT taking a motor vehicle without the owner's consent.
Cortney Basil Elvester Woods, whose name I am not making up, DOB 4/3/93, is in custody on allegations of "simple robbery." Bail is set at $60,000.
Woods reportedly lives at 1210 Queen Ave. N., a house owned by Kennedy S. Agyenkwah of the same address.
Naturally, I can hardly wait to run that name through online court records, and I find he's been convicted of possessing a pistol or assault weapon while under 18 years old, as well as disorderly conduct.
Oh, my word. We have reached that place the poet Shel Silverstein called "where the sidewalk ends." I've systematically worked my way from A to Z on the jailhouse roster. Now I need to give the roster a rest, find a few stories elsewhere, and then return to the roster in a while.
Unless...unless I were to just check the RECEIVED BY for today and, and, um, and then...
You know, maybe see if there's anything SERIOUS?
Ah, once you start with the roster nuggets, you just can't stop.