But every now and then I feel the need to set a piece apart and say "This is an editorial, not a story." And there are some things I'd like to say about the situation with the "True JACC" court hearings. Specifically, three things, as follows...
First, the outcome of this case is painfully obvious even before any ruling by Judge Porter comes down. The New Majority is in power, fair and square and (thank god!) for the good of the neighborhood. The Old Majority better give back the checkbook, or else. That's the way this thing is going.
Therefore, foundations which might be contemplating assisting JACC should not burn up a precious month waiting for a resolution. A month is a long time in the summer in a neighborhood filled with houses hitting this incredible buyer's market. The fate of those empty houses is, to a great degree, the fate of the Jordan Neighborhood. While the wheels of justice grind slowly but inevitably forward, let those who have a mind to assist JACC come forward NOW, not LATER.
Second, let's address Ben Myers. Let's address him DIRECTLY.
Ben, WHAT THE HELL!!!???? Your latest egomaniac plot has failed in a messy public way, like one of those evil mad scientists (also usually bald) who wants to take over the world. At this point, you've got an ethics complaint against you with the Minnesota Board of Professional Responsibility which--I dare say--looks like it will go QUITE BADLY FOR YOU. And, it appears, you don't even pay the taxes on your house. Falling behind a little bit is perhaps forgivable, but it's not like you lack income. So where is all the income GOING?
Ben, at this point you couldn't get together enough political support in the Jordan Neighborhood to be in charge of mowing the lawns of vacant houses. However, it doesn't have to be this way. I suggest a simple path to public redemption: profusely apologize and make amends.
Ben, I understand you're not going to even CONSIDER this sensible course of action until some time after the Fourth of July, because you hold out some crazy hope this court case will go your way, even though it's obvious it won't. Very well, then, wait until after the Fourth of July and then reconsider what I'm saying: APOLOGIZE and try to make amends by, for example, returning any office equipment which you may be able to, oh gee, locate and repatriate to its rightful owners. Which would be the new JACC board under Kip Browne.
You need to soften your heart, Ben. You were the one who put yourself in the kitchen, but then you couldn't take the heat. Remarks you should have allowed to roll off your back as the price of being a public figure (for that's what you are) you turned into lawsuits for DEFAMATION. Well, as one oh-so-anonymous citizen of Jordan told me recently, "Ben Myers doesn't need any help to defame his character."
Now look at where you're at, Ben. You thought you could intimidate your way into uncontested power in JACC and (it is strongly suspected) use JACC as a launching pad to higher office. It seems like you thought if you filed a few lawsuits, nobody would DARE to challenge you. Instead, you have challenges on a number of fronts. Indeed, you've become the most popular subject of parody which this popular blog has ever experienced.
My greatest fear is you WILL follow my sensible advice, because then I won't have more of your insane plots to parody. And, trust me, "Brother Ben," people love the parody. They love laughing at you. When I write about "my twin brother Ben Myers" and our colorful life with Big Mama Sweetums, readers FREAKING LOVE IT. And I love to deliver what readers want. What do readers want? For you to be dissected in public after all the stress, fear, worry and rage you caused to decent people in the Jordan Neighborhood, people who just wanted to live in peace and push the dealers and hookers off the streets.
Contemplate the madness of your position, Ben Myers. Repent and soften your heart. Or, you know, you can sell your house (the one with all the back taxes) and move somewhere and start over. If I were you and I could move, I sure would. You appear to have no future in the Jordan Neighborhood, and I'm sure Edgar Barrientos might be having serious second thoughts about your skill as a defense attorney, too, right now.
But moving on to my third and final thought: the residents of Jordan have been through a lot these last few years. Their energy may be flagging, their spirits may be dragging. But--oh my word--victory is at hand! Urban utopia is within our grasp! In the last two days, I have been to two wonderful dinners near the Jordan Pond, and it seems like there is new energy just buzzing and building, like when a boxer comes out of his corner in the twelfth round and WHAM!!!! scores a knockout blow, though his eyes are swollen, though his face is bleeding.
That is the positive thought I'd like to leave off with:
Take heart, Jordan Neighborhood. This is not the time to feel tired and broken. This is the time for your spirits to soar. Victory is within sight, and all indications are this will be the BEST INDEPENDENCE DAY IN THE JORDAN NEIGHBORHOOD EVER.
Have faith. Have hope. And press forward with great energy...