Wednesday, August 19, 2009

JNS Exclusive: Slummy Communication Intercepted by Hawthorne Hawkman

Photos by Hawthorne Hawkman, as he watches Slummy Squirrel

by Jordan Neighbor
JNS Guest Blogger

(Caution: parody ahead)

The JNS blog is in receipt of an intercepted communique between Mr. Slummy and his new sidekick, Slummy the Squirrel.
The text of the message is here below, for all to see:

I was going through the neighborhood one day, looking for a place to hide my nuts for the winter, when lo and behold I came across a hole to China. It was clear something slummy was going on, and I wanted in. I started snooping around the place, but it was clear that residents were watching the house--like a HAWK. The neighborhood called city inspectors and stopped Mr. Slummy, but only for a little while.

Anytime somebody goes up against the city of Minneapolis, that shows it's a PERFECT place for nuts, so I kept on going back to the property located at 2515 3rd St N. Mr. Slummy has left this structure open to the elements since April! Can you imagine how many nuts I've got hidden in there now? AND look how BIG he's made it! I can fit ALL MY NUTTY FRIENDS in there, if only the city will let him get it built by the time winter comes.

Here's the latest news from Mr. Slummy's nuthouse: There was a stop work order placed on it from the city because he didn't pull the proper permits. All he wants to do is cram as many nuts into as huge a structure as possible. Who knew you had to get permits for something like that? Also, he apparently didn't pick up a lot of the debris around the place, and the city has told him he needs to pick up debris from around the dumpsters.

Oh, and one of my friends told me that inside the building, there are five bathtubs waiting to be hooked up! FIVE!!!!! You could put a LOT of nuts in a building that has five bathtubs. Only time will tell if Mr. Slummy will be able to fill his place up with nuts.

(End of Parody Alert)

At the Heart of the City picnic last Friday, residents took a tour of the neighborhood and visited Mr. Slummy's mansion. It was there that the stop work order and order to pick up debris was noted. Neighbors also saw five bathtubs inside the structure, presumably visible from the exterior. One person pointed out that they believed five units was the maximum amount allowed for section 8 rentals of this size. However, the area remains zoned only for 1-2 units and no variance has yet been granted. Thank goodness the city of Minneapolis and the Hawthorne Hawkman are on the job!

(Do not click "Read More" but Do be on the lookout for Slummy the Squirrel)


Jordan Neighbor said...

Word comes in to the JNS International Headquarters that Slummy the Squirrel has been spotted across the way at Uncle Lennie's building.

It seems there is a large pile of trash and debris that is taking over the property and spilling into the alley. Slummy the Squirrel must have thought this was a great opportunity to steal some hidden nuts from his nemesis Chipper the Entrepreneurial Squirrel.

More soon....

Anonymous said...

BTW, Mr. Slummy's monstrosity has taken on considerable water damage in these past days rains. The building is unprotected from the weather, and the OSB panels on the walls, floors, and roof are saturated. The floors have standing water on them. There's significant soil erosion on the site, with a large gully eroded that washed a few cubic yards of dirt into the uncompleted basement. Meanwhile, a Minneapolis city crew is cleaning up the mess from Mr. Slummy's overflowing dumpster.

Oh, and John- good to see you're keeping the truck fixed up and your logbook legal. What kind of truck are you driving?


Jordan Neighbor said...

Dyna - thanks for the news tip sent here to the JNS International Headquarters.

It sounds like a mission for a JNS field correspondant to capture some pictures of water damage, standing water and city crews cleaning up Mr. Slummy's mess. Word had it that Slummy the Squirrel was going to be given a huge cache of nuts to clean up the debris, but I guess Slummy the Squirrel found it easier to dip out and head to Uncle Lennie's to try and find nuts in the trash pile. Always taking the easy route, that Slummy Squirrel.

Anonymous said...

Slummy the Squirrel??? Can we introduce any more sophomoric images in an already ridiculous attempt at journalism?