OK, yeah, I'm running and there's not even a car behind me, ha ha.
But seriously, I know I can't win because I don't meet some of the basic criteria for a Ward Five City Councilman, like being a member of the human species. But I'm hoping that if I can get a good number of write-in votes and draw attention to myself, these rules can evolve and I will be allowed to take office as Ward Five City Council Squirrel.
My plan is to get more votes than Lennie Chism. Everybody is talking about how the...
(Next candy bar wrapper, Snickers)
...votes will break down in Ward 5. Here's my prediction: Don Samuels, 55 percent, Kenya McNight, 20 percent, Natalie Johnson Lee, 19 percent, and after that with minor numbers of votes: Smithrud, Chipper The Entrepreneurial Squirrel, and Lennie Chism.
I want to emphasize that it's not personal against Lennie. In fact, I do business with the guy and I'm very eager to do business with him later in the fall, when he will own a VERY LARGE HOLE IN THE GROUND right during prime nut hiding season. But I believe I'm the better candidate because...
(Next wrapper, Doritos Cool Ranch)
Well, even I could see buying the old Uncle Bill's store to make it into an Uncle Lennie's was A CRAZY IDEA. And now when he should be scrambling to get financing to fix it up, he's running for city council as well? This is like being in the middle of the street trying to watch two speeding cars on opposite sides of you, with both your little googly eyes! Even I know better than that. Sorry Lennie. But very excited about the hole!
As for myself, I'm kind of a "little picture guy." I'm too small and low to the ground to see the big picture, but I see the little pieces very well. So I'm going to run on some of the little issues that would usually get neglected in a political campaign that's all about "vision" and "future" and "can somebody please replace my Don Samuels yard sign that got stolen AGAIN?" For the record, squirrels are clean animals and I'm going to run a clean campaign. I would never steal anybody's Blackberry device and I understand that, despite the name, these devices are not good to eat.
(Next wrapper, Flaming Hot Cheetos)
My one campaign issue at this point--and I don't know, maybe I'll find more issues later. It's not like they grow on trees like acorns. My one issue is address letters on residential and commercial buildings. I think buildings should have NICE letters, maybe of polished wood so they look like delicious nuts that give you knowledge of where you are instead of giving you a snack.
Buildings that have addresses made from stick-on letters or Sharpie Marker (like Keith Reitman's building on the 1400 block of West Broadway) just look tacky and don't promote economic development. For the record, I think Keith Reitman should be free to write on his building if he likes. If he wrote "Vote For The Squirrel" I'd be happy. Let me emphasize I'm still quite willing to do business with Keith Reitman, who has A LOT OF PROPERTY, like maybe a million dollars worth, even though he no longer owns 1564 Hillside Ave. N., which has very nice trees!
So I think Reitman could easily afford some address letters that cost, like, a buck apiece. Here's a picture I took at Home Depot before they chased after me with a broom.
(Next wrapper, microwave popcorn bag)
Also, Sharpie markers are just yucky. Like, if you find one in a pile of leaves you might think it looks like some sort of special human treat, like a Pez Dispenser or Push Up bar. But it's not. Sharpies taste really yucky. Don't put one in your mouth. I'm just warning you.
In conclusion, remember, this is ranked choice voting so you can have your cake and vote for a squirrel, too! Some of my other squirrel friends might run for office, as well, but remember to make Chipper The Entrepreneurial Squirrel YOUR FIRST CHOICE on Tuesday, November 3, 2009. Show up and vote for CHIPPER THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SQUIRREL.